Bap's Blog

16 May 2016 - The Milk of Human Kindness

On Sunday morning I was exhausted, in pain and sitting beside my bed on Ward 7. I was sinking into despair and trying to eat some porridge.  I was considering putting on my headphones because an old man in the bed nearly opposite me was firmly and audibly insisting his enema appointment was over due. I stirred in more milk and decided against the hospital DJ look.

The morning shift had just taken over and the nurses were expertly busy with the first chores of the day. One of the nurses pulled the privacy curtain around the old guys bed, addressing him by his first name, while tending to his needs, cooing and clucking as if he was her dear old dad.

Ten minutes later he'd already gone through two pairs of pyjamas, and was with the nurse in the mens toilet in a bit of a state. Eventually he came slowly walking past me in his fresh hospital issue green PJs, smiling, dignity restored.

This was probably the nurses first job of the day and it seemed to be no more bother to her than picking up a child's toy from the floor. I felt compassion flood into me...and a deep sense of inner strength I never knew I had.

This was one of many many normally unseen acts of kindness I witnessed in the Ulster hospital on Ward 7 over my stay last weekend and beyond. The kindness and respect shown to ill people of all ages from all walks of life who all suddenly seemed like my family.

Kindness was everywhere and all pervasive, as if the cold indifferent universe outside the hospital windows didn't really exist. The world of terror and greed and vanity pumped into our TVs and devices - the world we think we know and think we live in. My stay in the "Ulster" was one of the most life affirming  experiences I can ever recall...even though it included a cancer diagnosis and days of agony.

It made me realise how precious an enterprise is our National Health Service.

The doctors and nurses, the administrators and cleaners, lab technicians, the porters who wheeled me from one scanning machine to another, everyone working together to keep the body of this incredible living system healthy and functioning. The NHS is one of the greatest aspirations of the human race brought to life. To help each other to heal. There's nothing greater in the Universe.

Peace and Love

Bap Kennedy

21 May 2016 - Lost Highway & update from Brenda

Update from Brenda

Since Bap’s blog a week ago, a lot of people have been asking for an update….

Bap is currently at home following a procedure which was designed to take him out of immediate danger. Further tests & scans are needed before any further treatment or surgery. He continues to express his gratitude to the skilled and dedicated staff at The Ulster Hospital.

As usual he is upbeat & positive and he finds writing his blog very therapeutic. He gives his own very Bap-ish take on recent events in his second blog "Lost Highway"

Lost Highway

I'd been in a small side room on Ward 7 since Sunday lunchtime and the cancer diagnosis. Family were allowed to come and go outside of the normal visiting hours – and it's at times like this that you realize what family means. Despite the situation, there was a positive, peaceful energy from everyone, and that was exactly what I needed. I also began to hear about all the goodwill messages being sent to me via the internet etc. That was very good to know.

Now it was early Monday morning and my consultant Mr Kennedy (no relation) had just come in to see me. He was an encouraging presence and I was very glad to see him. It's probably because of the thousands of hours I've spent in recording studios that I'm very tuned into the human voice with its vast range of tones and expressions. And to me Mr Kennedy's voice was a good one – calm and reassuring.

I listened as he explained to me with great patience & thoroughness that he wanted to try a procedure. His hope was that this procedure would take me out of immediate danger and so buy time for a fuller range of investigations. It didn’t sound like much fun but I was still in a lot of pain and game for anything.

Very soon afterwards I found myself, bed and all, being wheeled down through a myriad of corridors until suddenly I was in a brightly lit room. It was filled with futuristic looking screens and machinery, and manned by 3 or 4 people in surgical masks. A bit like a UFO abduction, except I felt surprisingly relaxed, and confident that I was in good hands. I was hooked up to a tube pumping sedative gas, awake and aware, but slightly out of it. The medical staff were giving me a strong feeling that I mattered, and that they were going to help me. That was crucial.

And as I was lying there I found myself wondering what my hero Hank Williams would have done in a predicament like this. Then I had a brainwave!

“Does anyone like Hank Williams?” I asked no one in particular, as the procedure got under way.

I don’t remember hearing anyone answer me.

“Does anyone mind if I sing?” I enquired.

"Go ahead" I heard someone say.

That was all the encouragement I needed & I began to belt out the 1950s country classic Lost Highway.

I'm a rollin’ stone

All alone and lost

For a life of sin

I have paid the cost

…I decided that whatever this thing was going to throw at me from here on in ....this was how I was going to deal with it. This was my last stand, and it was a powerful feeling.

When I pass by

All the people say

Just another guy

On the Lost Highway

And so I sang the whole song, and then a few other of my Hank favorites. I even threw in an Elvis number for my big finish, as the procedure and performance came to an end.

"Did you enjoy that?" I asked, fishing for compliments, and a bit gaga.

…Worst audience reaction ever, I thought to myself as they wheeled me back to the ward.

That's all for now, folks,

Bap

A Note from Brenda:

​I thought it would be a good idea to share this upbeat recording from a few years ago.

It’s Bap's version of Lost Highway.

28 May 2016 - Game Changer & update from Brenda

Update from Brenda

This is just a quick update. Bap is still undergoing investigations to determine the extent of his illness (MRI scan etc). Meantime he is in excellent spirits & very glad of all the messages of support - He’s especially pleased to hear that so many people are listening to his songs & sharing them. 

Game Changer

Well folks...this time I am going to keep the blog short and focus on the music. I've been a songwriter and performer for many years now and I really want to get back to doing those things - the things I love I suppose.

I'm very glad to hear that my song "Howl On" has recently been viewed and shared by quite a few people.  I quoted part of a line from it at the end of my first blog about the kindness and respect I encountered recently at the Ulster Hospital. The full line is this:

"Nothing is greater in the universe than the human heart"

After my recent experiences on Ward 7 I believe this more strongly than ever.

Just before all this happened I was feeling strangely disconnected. I was doing all the stuff I normally do, making plans and getting on with things - but I was feeling worn down and exhausted and I couldn't figure out why. And then Bang! The Game Changer.

Over the last three weeks there has been a lot of upheaval in my life - but I'm staying positive, thanks in large part to all the good will messages being sent to me from all over the world.

I'm very pleased that my blogs are having such an impact, and I'm especially pleased that the good vibes have filtered through to the amazing and dedicated staff at the Ulster Hospital. It's made me realize that you don't often get to say what's really in your heart.

This is for all of you who are going through your own Game Changer.  I hope this song helps in some way.

Bap xx

4 Jun 2016 - For Brenda

In normal circumstances she organises everything to do with my musical activities. Booking tours, flights, hotels liaising with promoters and agents in various countries. All the paperwork and head melting details that running a small record company entails. And on top of all that she plays the bass guitar and sings harmony when we go on tour. And now she's my nurse!

I wrote a song for her that ended up on The Sailors Revenge, the album I made with Mark Knopfler and his band. We were working in Mark’s studio British Grove in London - a very impressive establishment. The song is called The Beauty Of You. I wanted Brenda to sing with me on the last verse. At that time she hadn't had much experience in the studio. Mark was at the controls and she came in and did her bit in one take. It didn't take a feather out of her.

That's my girl!

Love

Bap x 

The Beautiful Country

I took this picture a few months ago. I must have walked up and down that stretch of coast a thousand times over the last few years. It could be quite a while before any more musical adventures for me I suppose. But you never know what’s coming next. The future is unwritten....and anyway, as the man said, we're all just passing through.

Love

Bap x

18 Jun 2016 - Under My Wing

It's so mind blowing to suddenly see this beautiful little guy all calm and contented and then to hold him in my arms. He even had a birthday card for me! Christine and Jonny told us last October she was expecting her first baby. We were all so happy and excited that night...and now all those months later he's here and he's brought an amazing and powerful energy with him into this world. Life really is a miracle.

I wrote "Under My Wing" a few years ago for my stepchildren Christine and Kenneth. I missed them growing up, but I feel very protective about them and they have shown me a lot of love. I need them more than ever right now, and they have been so supportive and helpful.

And now I've got Ethan in my life. I'll give him all my love and hopefully he'll love me too. He couldn't have come at a better time.

Wow!

All the best for now,

Bap

2 Jul 2016 - The Right Stuff (written by Brenda)

As for the many enquiries about his health & progress, we can now confirm that after weeks of tests and expert analysis to determine the best course of action, Bap will be undergoing an operation at the end of this month. Because two areas are affected (pancreas & bowel) this will be very major surgery. So Bap has a long road ahead of him & he will be out of action for quite a while. But hopefully he’ll be back to blogging again before too long, and we will keep you posted as and when we can.

And in answer to all of you who have been asking if there is anything you can do to help, the answer is YES ! - So let’s get together & support Bap in the best way possible - by enjoying, sharing & celebrating the great body of music that he has spent a lifetime creating (…so far!)

I for one am going to get posting. And the song I want to start with is “The Right Stuff”. This is a song we always enjoy playing on tour – And for me, if anybody has “The Right Stuff”, it’s Bap Kennedy!

And he assures me it won’t be long till we’re back out doing what we love best.

So, as the song goes:

“Till we meet again!”

​Love from Bap & Brenda xx

26 Jul 2016 - Helpless as a Baby

Sometimes people don't know what to say, and you find yourself explaining the same things again and again to family and friends, which can be difficult. But it's no one’s fault. That's just the way it goes. And really that's the most positive side of the whole thing...the genuine concern and desire to help in any way possible. People want to know, and people want to help. Part of my reason for writing the blog was that it was my way to keep people informed first hand of my situation.

I've been told everyone reacts differently to a cancer diagnosis and I had no idea how I would feel. Some people apparently get very angry. Others can barely take it in.

I remember a feeling of shock, but the sort of shock of a near miss traffic accident or something like that. I suppose more like a massive jolt. Especially when the early investigations/ scans etc were looking bleak and I was advised to get "my affairs in order" because time was now a very precious commodity.

But it takes time from the diagnosis followed by in depth investigations and eventually expert planning for treatment. In my case there was much to consider, including the early possibility that there were potentially three locations affected which made surgery a very dangerous option at that time. But somehow I felt strong, optimistic and focused on doing what needed to be done. My stepdaughter Christine recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy – Ethan. And my wee grandson has brought me an immense feeling of connection and new life. And of course the timing couldn't be better.

My main contact person / cancer nurse, Julie McMillan told me the hardest part was often waiting for this process to unfold. Initial investigations led to several interdisciplinary meetings with the surgeons involved, because of the different locations affected - and finally a date for treatment/ surgery once the experts had decided on a course of action. Time can pass slowly.

And as time drags on it is easy to slip into negative thought patterns. Why me? Why now? Could I have done more to stay healthy? Was this somehow my fault? What's to become of Brenda's & my plans now? All sorts of negative ideas can creep in. That's when you can have a bad day.... But that's when the family come into their own. If you've done the spadework, you'll find that you can just let yourself go...and your loving family will help you pick up the pieces. Sometimes you just need a good old sob.

You will find your strength again - but sometimes you just have to let go and have that bad day.

At the beginning of all this I found an inner peace and strength I didn't know was in there.

I was lucky to be at home when I took ill, and only a short drive away from one of the greatest organisations in the world...the NHS, where, to quote a well known politician, "miracles are performed everyday"

Love, Bap x

31 Jul 2016 - The Magic of Music

 It's breaking my heart to find out now when I have so little time to do anything about it - but I am also very happy to feel the achievement. It's what I always wanted. Not money. Not fame. I always wanted people to feel what I feel. The magic of music.

 From the bottom of my heart, thanks to everyone who has appreciated & supported my music over the years.

 Love never fails,

Bap x

18 Sep 2016 - Energy... A Note from Brenda & Update from Bap

I’m always surprised to find out that people care so much. It gives me another reason to keep going . I’m not very sure what the future holds. I’ve been in Marie Curie for a month now & I’m being treated very, very well by the staff. They’re fantastic. But I’m very tired all the time & I want to make the most of precious time & energy.

Today I have the energy to make this conversation happen. On a typical day I wouldn’t. Which kind of tells you where I’m at.

.....That’s all for now”

10 Oct 2016 - The Engine of my Creativity

A note from Brenda

Bap is totally exhausted at the moment and not well enough to write a blog. He wrote the following blog in August when he was first admitted to the hospice, but he was waiting for the right moment to post it.

He has asked me to post it now, accompanied by his song, LONELY STREET

Love, Brenda x

The Engine of my Creativity

In 1970’s Belfast when I was growing up, people had little time to look into things like Asperger Syndrome. Symptoms went unnoticed because there was so much else going on. We were too busy trying to survive, so I ended up without a diagnosis most of my life. By the time I came back to live in N Ireland at age 44 I was in real trouble psychologically, but luckily I met Brenda who was heavily involved in AS and had written books on the subject, and she pointed me in the direction of a professional assessment. My mind was absolutely blown as I began to understand for the first time why my life had unfolded the way it did.

When I was younger I spent a lot of time in bars with other musicians, and alcohol did a good job of masking my Asperger Syndrome. I was ill-equipped for the music industry from the start. AS makes you tend to misread what people are saying and sometimes you see things in black & white: You misunderstand. You find it difficult to believe that people may be saying one thing & thinking another – and that kind of attitude can be a real handicap in any kind of business. Over the years I failed miserably to negotiate the music business despite the help of notable musicians such as Steve Earle, Van Morrison and Mark Knopfler; and it ended up taking a huge toll on me.

By the time I reached my early 40s I was completely disillusioned with the music business as I experienced it. I took a part-time job in a pawn-brokers and gave up drink completely. And without alcohol in my life I began to realise that I was very, very obsessive. My job in the pawn-brokers led to an obsession with diamonds to the point that I began to study gemmology and became a qualified diamond expert and gemmologist. Then a few years later my obsession with the space race led to my album “Howl On”

Sometimes Asperger Syndrome gets a negative and unfair press. It is a complex and misunderstood condition and it covers a wide spectrum. You might hear that people with AS are totally inept socially, but that is not completely true. For me most social situations are quite difficult, especially now that I don’t drink, but some people may find this hard to believe because I can get on a stage and entertain people for two hours. But performing on stage is not like a normal social engagement. It is quite easy for me. I know everything I’m about to do. It’s all been rehearsed and (apart from a few ad libs & jokes) it’s all predictable. It’s worked successfully enough times for me to be confident that it will work again. The off stage bit is always more difficult for me and I find ordinary social engagement including small talk quite difficult. I can do it. I can do it to the point where I seem socially “normal” but privately I end up completely exhausted by social experiences.

Asperger Syndrome can make relationships difficult & this has been true for me in the past, but sometimes things work out really well. Brenda and I feel lucky to have found each other. We’re very similar so we enjoy each other’s intensity to the point that we have been together pretty well 24/7 from the word go, and it’s a great relief to feel understood. I was also lucky enough to find a sympathetic and understanding manager, Willie Richardson. So the last decade of my life has been the happiest by far.

My stepson, Kenneth, is a great example of Asperger Syndrome and has found a way to be happy in the world, which I admire - I think the key is acceptance.  So the thing I want people to know is that I’m not ashamed of my Asperger Syndrome. I’ve never been ashamed of it. In fact to be honest I’m proud I’ve got Aspergers. It is the engine of my creativity.

Peace & love,

Bap x

This song was dedicated by Bap to Autism NI during his term as co-patron, along with his wife, Brenda (Boyd) Kennedy.

POST SCRIPT​

Bap sadly passed away at Marie Curie Hospice, with Brenda at his side, on 1st November 2016.